TO: Honorable
Secretary of Agriculture
Washington, D.C.
Dear Sir,
My friend, Ed Peterson, over at Wells Iowa,
received a check for $1,000 from the government for not raising hogs. So, I want to go
into the "not raising hogs" business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is
the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on, and what is the best breed of hogs not to
raise? I want to be sure that I approach this endeavor in keeping with all governmental
policies. I would prefer not to raise razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to
raise, then I will just as gladly not raise Yorkshires or Durocs.
As I see it, the hardest part of this program will
be in keeping an accurate inventory of how many hogs I haven't raised.
My friend, Peterson, is very joyful about the
future of the business. He has been raising hogs for twenty years or so, and the best he
ever made on them was $422 in 1968, until this year when he got your check for $1000 for
not raising hogs.
If I get $1000 for not raising 50 hogs, will I get
$2000 for not raising 100 hogs? I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding
myself down to about 4000 hogs not raised, which will mean about $80,000 the first year.
Then I can afford an airplane.
Now another thing, these hogs I will not raise will
not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. I understand that you also pay farmers for not raising
corn and wheat. Will I qualify for payments for not raising wheat and corn not to feed the
4000 hogs I am not going to raise?
Also, I am considering the "not milking
cows" business, so send me any information you have on that too.
In view of these circumstances, you understand that
I will be totally unemployed and plan to file for unemployment and food stamps.
Be assured you will have my vote in the coming
election.
Patriotically Yours,
Mr. Smith
P.S. Would you please notify me when you plan to
distribute more free cheese.
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